If Only
by Grasshopper-chan
Summary: Spoiler alert! What Sai would have said to Hikaru if he'd been given the chance.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Hikaru no Go, and I'm not making money off this story.**

**Warning: Spoilers for the whole series!**

**Summary: When Sai leaves Hikaru for good he is never able to say a final farewell. What would he have said if given the chance? Sai contemplates that question as he ascends to heaven.**

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It's strange how things turned out, isn't it Hikaru? I never expected to see you shine so brightly. When I first met you, I was the one who was closest to reaching the Hand of God, but now I wonder if that is still true. God gave me a thousand years of time so that I could show you this game, Hikaru. My existence…it was yours.

_If only…_

Everything I did in the span of my being was to help you along your path. Even when I was with Torajiro, it was for you. Even while I played countless games that gave me incredible joy, those games were meant for you. They are the legacy I have left behind for you. The kifu of Honninbou Shusaku's games were created hundreds of years ago so that you can continue to learn the art of Go under my instruction. They are a part of me, and I have given them to you. My games are yours now.

_If only…_

Each day we spent together was for your sake, Hikaru. Each move you watched me make was adding to your understanding and love for the game. You didn't just play the game, Hikaru. Each morning, you didn't merely wake up and learn a little more how play Go; you learned to live. That is something I never did, Hikaru. I think that is why I was truly drawn to you. I had thrown my life away, but you lived more and more as each moment passed.

_If only…_

It was for that very reason I accept my fate as your guiding shadow. You were worthy to seek the Divine Move, because you didn't give up when all seemed lost. You kept moving forward, and I watched as you got further and further away from me. As much as I tried to follow you, I found that I couldn't. You kept seeking your own goal and left me behind.

_If only…_

I never meant to be a burden to you. I could tell you were getting fed up with me near the end. But, it didn't matter to me. I just wanted to play more Go with you. I wanted to entrust everything I had learned to you, so that through you, I could also go to that higher place you were making every effort to reach. But more than that, I wanted to leave at least a part of myself with you, so that you would never forget me, and so that you wouldn't feel lonely. I knew you would miss me when I was gone, even if you didn't yet realize how much you took my presence for granted. Now, you have my Go inside your Go. I sincerely hope that every time you play a game, you will think of me. But, you aren't looking back. You press on.

_If only…_

That is my greatest fear, you know: being completely forgotten. When I came into your consciousness, I asked you to let me rest in a small corner of your heart. Without knowing, you let me inside your heart. I knew that I would never be the same after meeting you, Hikaru, because you stole my heart in return for yours. Unlike Torajiro, you weren't merely a kindhearted puppet who did as I commanded on the goban; you put a piece of yourself into the game as well. When you agreed to let me play, those games were not just my games. They were our games, and they always will be. They will live inside my heart forever, as will you Hikaru. Because you are the only person who has ever called me a friend.

_If only…_

You were my only friend, Hikaru, and your friendship taught me so much about the life I chose not to live. As my friendship with you grew stronger, so did my pain of regret. I thought to myself, if only Hikaru had come into my life sooner, before I gave up on living, maybe then things could have been different. Maybe then, things could have had a different ending, instead of my thoughts echoing into oblivion, never able to reach to one to whom they are directed. Maybe then, I could have said goodbye. Maybe then, I could have played my last game with you with no sadness in my weary soul. Maybe then, I could have lived my life like you live now. No regrets, no holding back, just pressing forward along the path towards destiny…alive.


End file.
